And Every Boy Grows Up

I just had to write about how cute you were today Sawyer Michael!  We went to Walmart to get a few things and since preschool starts in a couple weeks, I let you pick out your backpack.  You were so excited about it, so proud of the one you picked, and when we got home, for the rest of the day you were wearing it and asking if you could pack it for school.  I had to keep reminding you that we still needed to buy your school supplies and that we have time.  You kept asking, "will it be when we wake up?"  To which I had to keep telling you it would be a lot of "wake ups", 16 to be exact, until your first day of school.  Emma read you your school supply list and when she got to the part about a spare outfit in a ziplock bag, the light went on that you could pack that today and so you raced to your room!  We labeled your ziplock bag with your name and carefully placed your folded undies, socks, shirt and pants inside.  You then put your backpack on the hook in your room and stared at for awhile, just happy you got to put something inside of it for school.  As the day went on, you asked if we could play school.  You wanted me to first be your mom and yell, "Sawyer, it's time to get ready for school!" so you could come out of your room with your backpack.  We did this and you came out beaming.  Oh sweet son of mine, if you only knew how much I enjoy your excitement about this new adventure you're about to go on.  You won't always be so excited about school work as the years go by, but it's my earnest hope that your excitement for learning will only continue to grow.  It's only natural that you want to get bigger, to do new things, to move forward.  But as your mother, I want to thoroughly savor these precious times when you're four.  Some day, you'll leave home and marry a wonderful girl, have a career, a life of your own, just as it should be.  But right now, your life is with me, pretty much constantly, and I'm loving it!  You are a gift, sweet boy, in more ways than you'll ever know!  So as you take this baby step in two weeks towards the growing up that every boy must do, know that in your mamas heart, you will always be this boy!  I love you!

Emma is 9!

Happy birthday Emma Grace!  I refuse to believe you are half way to 18, I just don't even want to think about it.  The last birthday in the single digits!  There I go, doing it again, wishing I could slow time down.  But it marches on for all of us, it's supposed to, so instead of being sad about the time passed, I will be thankful for the years given.  Sweet peanut, you've had a great year, complete with growing pains in your legs and lost teeth that have given you that wonderful, preteen snaggled grin:).  I'm so thankful for our relationship baby, you are so sweet to me!  You tell me all the time how much you love me and you continue to prove that your love language is quality time.  Your favorite mommy/daughter date is a trip to Mahalo to get frozen yogurt.  I love our bedtime chats these days, sharing our hearts with each other, hearing your burning questions.  You continue to love all things fashion and friends and your beauty continues to grow from the inside out.  You continue to be a wonderful artist and have gotten quite good at sewing as well.  It's so fun to see you creating and doing things you love. You are uniquely made and gifted and it gives me such joy to wear the title of "mom" to you. So baby girl, little beauty who made me a mama, here's to another year of loving you and a prayer that Jesus would woo you more and more to himself.  xoxo Mommy

Summertime

I had some great plans before summer break started, plans for a morning schedule, a special activity each day, like the park or library or pool.  And those plans have been great, most days really helping us be more purposeful with our time.  I'd even say it has prevented fighting... some of it.  But today, as the kids were squealing through the house with a couple of their friends, jumping from one "game" to the next, without a thought to the time, the memories came flooding back.  I remember when a day seemed like a week, when my friends and I would be deep in make believe, maybe a boat out of TV trays, Little House on the Prairie, lost orphans, and the afternoon truly felt like an eternity in a good way.  The only adult thing I can compare it to is getting lost in a good book, becoming part of the story in your mind and not wanting to leave.  This is the stuff of childhood, this is the beauty of summertime!  I'm not sure when the clock starts to hound us and imagination gives way to responsibility, but I love getting to go back in time as I watch my kids be kids.  Childhood is a precious and fleeting gift, sweet babes, I hope I'm creating a home where you are making the great memories I have of my own childhood.

Autumn is 2!

A two year old is a toddler right?  Well even if so, Autumn is NOT, she is a baby, MY baby, and she always will be.  Oh sweet darling, you are such a gift to us!  I think at least one of us says daily how sad life would be without our "Nootie".  Your affection, your smile, your laugh, your humor, your dancing, your dresses, the way you love to be held, the way you think you can do everything your siblings do and are so indignant when you can't.  Autumn Mae, we are so thankful God gave you to us!  These two years with you have been such a present, truly, what in the world would we do without your sunshine in our lives?!  Happy birthday my baby fashionista!  We can't wait to watch you grow and for our love for you to grow more and more every day!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Emma, Chloe, and Sawyer
xoxo

Tears to Praise

I sure wish I could blame it on hormones every time I cry, but that wouldn't be true.  Sometimes my heart breaks, usually because of some kind of actual or perceived loss, some more compelling than others.  This time, the thing I lost was my own way.  Sounding pretty two years old?  Yep, pretty much.  It's so easy to trust God when things seem to be going our way, when the answer to prayer is "yes".  But what about when the answer is no, or not yet, or I'm not telling you yet?  I've discovered that those answers often send me into two year old mode, and I'm not too proud of that, but I'm so glad I have God's grace in these moments.  My eyes were pretty puffy today after my love and I didn't see eye to eye on a big decision we've been considering last night.  I really thought I was holding this decision with an open hand, really trusting God to lead us through my husband... but then he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear, and it hurt... pretty bad.  I'm still hurting, and the deciding isn't finished yet, but as I was crying out to God in the wee hours this morning unable to sleep, and throughout the day, He started answering my heart's cry.  Not in the way I was hoping, in a much better way, I LOVE when He does that!  He whispered the truth, that I wasn't believing that His ways are higher than my ways, that He works all things together for good for those who love Him, that He is ALWAYS faithful to lead us when we seek Him.  I had a plan, and surely it was God's plan right?  I mean, I had been praying about this, not hearing a no, feeling growing confirmation of my desire for this decision, so why are things not going my way?  Then more truth whispered, "marriage".  This thing of God's design, this picture of Christ and the church, Christ loving and laying down His life for the church, the church loving, honoring and submitting its will to Christ.  The world has trouble with the word "submit", it defines it in terms of the lesser submitting to the greater.  But in the terms of marriage, this is never what God meant.  It is a dance, two equal partners, one leading, one following, functioning in different roles for the purpose of glorifying the dance maker.  By design, as wives, we have the honor of taking the important role of help met, of honoring God by honoring our husbands.  This is not a lesser role, some would say a greater.  Humility and serving, these are the things Christ encouraged His disciples in, these are the marks of closeness to God.  To say no to ourselves and yes to our spouse, this shows the world the greatest kind of love, a love that truly trusts the dance maker and longs to glorify Him.  And this, friends, this turns my tears to praise! I CAN trust God enough to trust my husband.  I CAN move towards him instead of away in bitterness when things don't go my way, because I know God knows my needs and cares for them, like he cares for the flowers in the field, and my man loves me the best he can and lays his life down for me and our family every day.  He has a big burden to bear, and both of us floundering in our imperfection and sin, I am so thankful that He sticks with me and sees the best in me, even in my two year old fits.  And I have daily choices to make, to stand by my man, encouraging him, sharing my insight, seeing the best in him or to pull away and pull him down.  Father, fill me with your love, that I may love better.  Draw my eyes and my heart to you, that I may have the courage to trust you when I can't see the how and why of your leading.

Grasping for Contentment

Why does contentment often feel like trying to hold water in my hands?  The muscles in my fingers weaken and drops start to sneak out.  And then there are the times when I throw the whole bunch down in frustration.  A moment passes, maybe a day or a week, and then I reach into the bucket of His Word and prayer and get a new handful, begging Him to be the strength my muscles need to keep holding that water.  I've noticed something about this struggle, this casting out and scooping back up.  When my eyes are up, the muscles hold, when my eyes are on the world, on my circumstances, on the temporary, that's when the drops start falling.  So why can't I just keep  my eyes up?  What pulls them down?  Oh promises of the world, you render me weak!  Why is it so hard to believe the truth that this life is but a breath, that experiences and things and accomplishments by the world's standards mean nothing?  The "Screwtape Letters" post daily, the ways in which the evil one would drag my heart away from what is true and good and meaningful.  The lies on the tip of the serpents tongue hissing that my life is about me when deep in my heart I know the beautiful truth that it's ALL about and by and for Him!  Oh precious Words from the Maker of all, fill my heart and mind and memory!  Fight for me Daddy, hold up my hands, push my fingers together, for I am weak...

A Fresh Start

Deep breath and sigh... A beginning... this is my new blog!  Why a new blog you might ask?  Well, because I wanted a separate space for thinking/growing posts. I want, so very much, to write more and this blog is just the inspiration I need.  The title, Kintsukuroi, what in the world right?!  Well too be completely honest, I don't quite know the proper pronunciation of the word myself, but I'm bound and determined to find out, so stay tuned.  It's what the word means that had me at "hello".

Kintsukuroi-  “to repair with gold”; the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

I came across this art form on Facebook.  Someone posted a picture of this pottery and I was taken by the way it so accurately represents who we are in Christ.  We are broken, weak, sinful, common "pottery", but when Christ takes up residence in our hearts and lives, through His saving grace, we are made new, made into Kintsukuroi! His gold fills us up, He is strength in our weakness, He makes us into a beautiful masterpiece for Him through our brokenness and need!  He is glorified when the world can see that "this all surpassing power is from God and not from us"- 2 Corinthians 4:7.  What a humbling honor that He chose to put His light in this broken pottery!

And because the image of this pottery is the story of my life, of God's saving work in me, it is the theme of my new blog, "His beauty in my broken".  The golden rivers of His love in my life have me so humbly grateful every single day, and it's my hope that as I share my stories, my insights and struggles, you would see His beauty in my broken.  Welcome!

All for Him!