Last Night in Our House

Burning images into my memory tonight, of this little house that has been our home for the past 7 years.  This marks our last night in a house that is the only home our children have really ever known.  We moved here when Emma was only two and Chloe was just five months old.  It's hard not to feel that the place itself is somehow sacred and to feel a bit of grief at leaving.  But as my heart has been pondering it, I realize that a house of wood and drywall, of all the materials that give it it's form, is merely a backdrop for the home created within the four walls.  Don't get me wrong, it's a backdrop I'm truly thankful for in a world where owning a home is a tremendous privilege.  But I guess what I'm saying is, when we leave our house tomorrow, our home is coming with us.  It will find it's place in a new location half way around the world, it won't stay here.  So while I'll miss the cozy backdrop that we'll only hold in pictures now, I can celebrate this new season fully confident that the people I love will continue to define our home, not the walls and roof that hold us.  I took pictures of each of the kids tonight in their rooms, one last shot of the places that have sheltered my sweeties during these precious childhood years.  Pictures really are worth a thousand words, words I will treasure in my heart with gratitude. Goodbye little house on B Lane!  You have been a beautiful backdrop, a warm and dry one too, for which we are so grateful.  If we never live inside your walls again, it will be okay, because God is writing our story and each chapter has it's beauty and purpose.

Change is like a River

Whether we see it this way or not, change is always happening, to us, around us, in us, through us, it is the way we were made, to progress (even if progression sometimes equals regression).  I remember reading a blog post once describing the constantness of change as a flowing river.  Try as we may to fix our eyes on one point and make it last, the river, just like time and change, waits for no one.  It marches on, pushing us towards the eternity we were made for.  As mothers we often say clique things like, "I wish they'd stop growing up" when we talk about our children growing older, or "why can't they slow down!"  But really, why are we fighting God's design, this moving forward that has always been since the dawn of creation?
As I look ahead to what seems like huge change in our lives, moving to another country, leaving the home we've raised our children in to this point, a town we love, friends and family we cherish, the temptation is to let deep sadness settle in, to fear what we don't know. What if what's to come isn't as great as what is?  What if deep and scaring trial awaits? But by what standards am I measuring greatness and isn't it fire that refines the purest gold?  It's a knee knocking thing, this not knowing, this holding on to the robe tails of Jesus and His promises with trembling faith.  But I am reminded again and again that it is here, on the verge of change that He longs to swoop us up into His unchanging strength and power and sovereignty. He is the author and perfecter of our faith after all, working all things together for the good of those who Love Him and have been called according to His purposes. It's gotta be in these places of not knowing that He draws us to deeper dependence on Him, where He reveals more of His ability in the midst of our inability.  Boy is that happening and boy am I humbled! As I pack and repack suitecases and watch the rooms grow emptier and emptier I can't help but lift my eyes to the One who promises to be my real home no matter what the inevitable changes of this life bring.  He is my True North, the place I can fix my eyes on that will never waiver.  And these faith jumps, I am not jumping alone, I am so thankful for that!  By His amazing grace, He has called me out of darkness into the light of His matchless love, a love that indwells me and never leaves even when I ignore it, and it's right here, in the soup of my weakness that He reveals His strength, making it clear that anything good in me is from Him.  And that's enough, He is enough, to carry me through the changes of this life, discovering His purposes for me even in the hardest things.  Fight the change?  No.  Because change will always win, even when I think I've protected myself from it.  Moment to moment, I have to choose to surrender fears, choose to abide in His presence and receive the fruit of peace that follow. See you soon beautiful Switzerland!  My life vest is secure, jumping in the river now!

Switzerland- Chapter 1

As you can see, I've consolidated my blogs to this one.  I'm excited about the new name, it really sums up what I want this space to be about!  I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus, which I'm sure you've noticed.  It certainly hasn't been for lack of things to write about, but rather for lack of time and energy at the end of the day.  But I sense the beginning of a new season of more frequent writing as our family starts a new adventure!  For any who haven't heard, we are moving to Switzerland at the end of the year!  It's been a dream in the making for many years now, to live abroad as a family, but to see it actually happening now is hardly believable!  Travis will be software engineering at a boarding school in a small mountain town in the French speaking part of the Swiss Alps.  He came across the job posting in a software engineering magazine he regularly reads and went for it.  It wasn't an easy decision, to accept the job, even though it was the culmination of dreams, because the reality past the romance needed to be sorted through.  We decided to take a trip to Switzerland at the end of October to see it first hand and do some good praying/talking over the decision.  We left with a definite yes, and though it was with a great sense of relief and excitement, we came back home to the overwhelming task of actually moving our family of six to a country across the ocean and breaking the news to precious family and friends whom we knew would take it hard.  Thankfully, everyone has done some initial grieving and is now getting excited for us, which feels really good.  We just completed our last garage sale of two, which gives us a big sense of relief to have so much gone.  We've been slowly filling a storage unit and packing the suite cases we'll be bringing.  It's our goal to get everything move ready before Christmas, and so far we're doing well towards that end.  We've had so many friends rally to help us during this stressful time, meals, play dates for the kids, buying our stuff, you name it!  What a blessing it is to be loved by family and friends who have become family.  It's funny, even after our decision to take the job, Travis was still feeling some anxiety about whether we made the right decision.  Just before the offer came to us, he had just accepted a really good job at a new company an hour away from us.  It was a big pay increase which complicated the matter in our hearts because the Switzerland job is actually a pay decrease.  All the while, we knew this process was revealing where our treasure lies and pushing us to steps of faith we were trembling to make.  But I just love how God shows up with confirmation, AFTER a big step of faith. As my dear cousin Sara told me in a text while we were in Switzerland, if we always got a burning bush to guide our decisions, there wouldn't be the need for faith.  How true that is!  It was only after our decision was made that we got to meet another family who had taken the other IT position (there were two positions).  As it turns out, they also have four children, three girls and a boy!  And it doesn't stop there, though in a different order than ours, their kids are the same ages as all of ours AND they are our brothers and sisters in Christ!  We will be living in the same apartment building and our kids will be starting at the village school together.  Such undeserved icing on the cake!  And we've had so much fun getting to know them through Skype and facebook.  To think that God was writing this story on both of our lives, to intersect the way they will, before we ever met just floors us with gratitude and praise!  So as the winds grow colder and snow starts to fly, when many go into hybernation mode, we are embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives to date!  Pray for us if you will, that all would go smoothly, especially on December 30th when our journey begins and we cart 9 suite cases and our precious kiddos to the airport (Lord have mercy!).  Pray for our visas to come through in a timely manner and all items of business to get wrapped up neatly.  Pray for peace for us and all those we love as we say our good byes, that God would grant special comfort to our families as we adjust to less frequent hugs (although thank goodness for Skype!).  We will keep you thoroughly posted along the way, and as always, we love to stay caught up with your lives as well.
Au revoir!  And if you ever find yourselves in Switzerland, we hope to say Bonjour!  I'll leave you with what will be our gorgeous living room view in the Alps.

Chloe is 7!

For just under seven years, we've lived in this house and for seven years, my lion-spirited, big hearted, beautiful Chloe Paige has been in my life!  Chloe, I know there may be times in your life when you feel lost in the shuffle as a middle child, but know this sweet girl, there is nothing lost or second rate in my love for you!  You have blossomed so much in the past year, from a timid kindergarten graduate to a confident, outgoing almost second grader!  The way you question the world around you hasn't changed, but your questions are getting more interesting and I love trying to answer them.  Your love for make believe is still going strong, which makes us so happy!  The longer you can hang on to that joy, sweetie, the better!  You've made quite a reputation for yourself around the neighborhood this year, as the resident big sister.  Cece, Maddie, and Isla look up to you and wish you really were their big sister.  The way you play with and care for them has your mama beaming with pride!  But the little girl who adores you the most is your own baby sister, Autumn.  She follows you around all day asking to play baby with you (she being the baby, you the mama), and most of the time you are so obliging and patient with her.  You are so helpful to me just by being you, you're such a treasure!  Something I've learned about your personality this year is that you have a gift beyond your years for compassion towards others, especially those you love.  At the end of a long day, you often insist on giving me a foot rub with lotion and bringing me water saying, "you worked so hard today mommy, you need to rest".  Or sometimes you just sense that someone is sad and it makes you sad too.  You are so quick to feel and say sorry when you're wrong, but you don't just stop there, you want to make amends by doing something for the person.  You give the best hugs and kisses Snooie!  It's like I can feel your soul through them!  Happy birthday baby girl!  I thank God every day for letting broken me love you and lead you in this life.  Every year with you is a gift I treasure beyond words! xoxo  Mommy

And Every Boy Grows Up

I just had to write about how cute you were today Sawyer Michael!  We went to Walmart to get a few things and since preschool starts in a couple weeks, I let you pick out your backpack.  You were so excited about it, so proud of the one you picked, and when we got home, for the rest of the day you were wearing it and asking if you could pack it for school.  I had to keep reminding you that we still needed to buy your school supplies and that we have time.  You kept asking, "will it be when we wake up?"  To which I had to keep telling you it would be a lot of "wake ups", 16 to be exact, until your first day of school.  Emma read you your school supply list and when she got to the part about a spare outfit in a ziplock bag, the light went on that you could pack that today and so you raced to your room!  We labeled your ziplock bag with your name and carefully placed your folded undies, socks, shirt and pants inside.  You then put your backpack on the hook in your room and stared at for awhile, just happy you got to put something inside of it for school.  As the day went on, you asked if we could play school.  You wanted me to first be your mom and yell, "Sawyer, it's time to get ready for school!" so you could come out of your room with your backpack.  We did this and you came out beaming.  Oh sweet son of mine, if you only knew how much I enjoy your excitement about this new adventure you're about to go on.  You won't always be so excited about school work as the years go by, but it's my earnest hope that your excitement for learning will only continue to grow.  It's only natural that you want to get bigger, to do new things, to move forward.  But as your mother, I want to thoroughly savor these precious times when you're four.  Some day, you'll leave home and marry a wonderful girl, have a career, a life of your own, just as it should be.  But right now, your life is with me, pretty much constantly, and I'm loving it!  You are a gift, sweet boy, in more ways than you'll ever know!  So as you take this baby step in two weeks towards the growing up that every boy must do, know that in your mamas heart, you will always be this boy!  I love you!

Emma is 9!

Happy birthday Emma Grace!  I refuse to believe you are half way to 18, I just don't even want to think about it.  The last birthday in the single digits!  There I go, doing it again, wishing I could slow time down.  But it marches on for all of us, it's supposed to, so instead of being sad about the time passed, I will be thankful for the years given.  Sweet peanut, you've had a great year, complete with growing pains in your legs and lost teeth that have given you that wonderful, preteen snaggled grin:).  I'm so thankful for our relationship baby, you are so sweet to me!  You tell me all the time how much you love me and you continue to prove that your love language is quality time.  Your favorite mommy/daughter date is a trip to Mahalo to get frozen yogurt.  I love our bedtime chats these days, sharing our hearts with each other, hearing your burning questions.  You continue to love all things fashion and friends and your beauty continues to grow from the inside out.  You continue to be a wonderful artist and have gotten quite good at sewing as well.  It's so fun to see you creating and doing things you love. You are uniquely made and gifted and it gives me such joy to wear the title of "mom" to you. So baby girl, little beauty who made me a mama, here's to another year of loving you and a prayer that Jesus would woo you more and more to himself.  xoxo Mommy

Summertime

I had some great plans before summer break started, plans for a morning schedule, a special activity each day, like the park or library or pool.  And those plans have been great, most days really helping us be more purposeful with our time.  I'd even say it has prevented fighting... some of it.  But today, as the kids were squealing through the house with a couple of their friends, jumping from one "game" to the next, without a thought to the time, the memories came flooding back.  I remember when a day seemed like a week, when my friends and I would be deep in make believe, maybe a boat out of TV trays, Little House on the Prairie, lost orphans, and the afternoon truly felt like an eternity in a good way.  The only adult thing I can compare it to is getting lost in a good book, becoming part of the story in your mind and not wanting to leave.  This is the stuff of childhood, this is the beauty of summertime!  I'm not sure when the clock starts to hound us and imagination gives way to responsibility, but I love getting to go back in time as I watch my kids be kids.  Childhood is a precious and fleeting gift, sweet babes, I hope I'm creating a home where you are making the great memories I have of my own childhood.

Autumn is 2!

A two year old is a toddler right?  Well even if so, Autumn is NOT, she is a baby, MY baby, and she always will be.  Oh sweet darling, you are such a gift to us!  I think at least one of us says daily how sad life would be without our "Nootie".  Your affection, your smile, your laugh, your humor, your dancing, your dresses, the way you love to be held, the way you think you can do everything your siblings do and are so indignant when you can't.  Autumn Mae, we are so thankful God gave you to us!  These two years with you have been such a present, truly, what in the world would we do without your sunshine in our lives?!  Happy birthday my baby fashionista!  We can't wait to watch you grow and for our love for you to grow more and more every day!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Emma, Chloe, and Sawyer
xoxo

Tears to Praise

I sure wish I could blame it on hormones every time I cry, but that wouldn't be true.  Sometimes my heart breaks, usually because of some kind of actual or perceived loss, some more compelling than others.  This time, the thing I lost was my own way.  Sounding pretty two years old?  Yep, pretty much.  It's so easy to trust God when things seem to be going our way, when the answer to prayer is "yes".  But what about when the answer is no, or not yet, or I'm not telling you yet?  I've discovered that those answers often send me into two year old mode, and I'm not too proud of that, but I'm so glad I have God's grace in these moments.  My eyes were pretty puffy today after my love and I didn't see eye to eye on a big decision we've been considering last night.  I really thought I was holding this decision with an open hand, really trusting God to lead us through my husband... but then he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear, and it hurt... pretty bad.  I'm still hurting, and the deciding isn't finished yet, but as I was crying out to God in the wee hours this morning unable to sleep, and throughout the day, He started answering my heart's cry.  Not in the way I was hoping, in a much better way, I LOVE when He does that!  He whispered the truth, that I wasn't believing that His ways are higher than my ways, that He works all things together for good for those who love Him, that He is ALWAYS faithful to lead us when we seek Him.  I had a plan, and surely it was God's plan right?  I mean, I had been praying about this, not hearing a no, feeling growing confirmation of my desire for this decision, so why are things not going my way?  Then more truth whispered, "marriage".  This thing of God's design, this picture of Christ and the church, Christ loving and laying down His life for the church, the church loving, honoring and submitting its will to Christ.  The world has trouble with the word "submit", it defines it in terms of the lesser submitting to the greater.  But in the terms of marriage, this is never what God meant.  It is a dance, two equal partners, one leading, one following, functioning in different roles for the purpose of glorifying the dance maker.  By design, as wives, we have the honor of taking the important role of help met, of honoring God by honoring our husbands.  This is not a lesser role, some would say a greater.  Humility and serving, these are the things Christ encouraged His disciples in, these are the marks of closeness to God.  To say no to ourselves and yes to our spouse, this shows the world the greatest kind of love, a love that truly trusts the dance maker and longs to glorify Him.  And this, friends, this turns my tears to praise! I CAN trust God enough to trust my husband.  I CAN move towards him instead of away in bitterness when things don't go my way, because I know God knows my needs and cares for them, like he cares for the flowers in the field, and my man loves me the best he can and lays his life down for me and our family every day.  He has a big burden to bear, and both of us floundering in our imperfection and sin, I am so thankful that He sticks with me and sees the best in me, even in my two year old fits.  And I have daily choices to make, to stand by my man, encouraging him, sharing my insight, seeing the best in him or to pull away and pull him down.  Father, fill me with your love, that I may love better.  Draw my eyes and my heart to you, that I may have the courage to trust you when I can't see the how and why of your leading.

Grasping for Contentment

Why does contentment often feel like trying to hold water in my hands?  The muscles in my fingers weaken and drops start to sneak out.  And then there are the times when I throw the whole bunch down in frustration.  A moment passes, maybe a day or a week, and then I reach into the bucket of His Word and prayer and get a new handful, begging Him to be the strength my muscles need to keep holding that water.  I've noticed something about this struggle, this casting out and scooping back up.  When my eyes are up, the muscles hold, when my eyes are on the world, on my circumstances, on the temporary, that's when the drops start falling.  So why can't I just keep  my eyes up?  What pulls them down?  Oh promises of the world, you render me weak!  Why is it so hard to believe the truth that this life is but a breath, that experiences and things and accomplishments by the world's standards mean nothing?  The "Screwtape Letters" post daily, the ways in which the evil one would drag my heart away from what is true and good and meaningful.  The lies on the tip of the serpents tongue hissing that my life is about me when deep in my heart I know the beautiful truth that it's ALL about and by and for Him!  Oh precious Words from the Maker of all, fill my heart and mind and memory!  Fight for me Daddy, hold up my hands, push my fingers together, for I am weak...

A Fresh Start

Deep breath and sigh... A beginning... this is my new blog!  Why a new blog you might ask?  Well, because I wanted a separate space for thinking/growing posts. I want, so very much, to write more and this blog is just the inspiration I need.  The title, Kintsukuroi, what in the world right?!  Well too be completely honest, I don't quite know the proper pronunciation of the word myself, but I'm bound and determined to find out, so stay tuned.  It's what the word means that had me at "hello".

Kintsukuroi-  “to repair with gold”; the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

I came across this art form on Facebook.  Someone posted a picture of this pottery and I was taken by the way it so accurately represents who we are in Christ.  We are broken, weak, sinful, common "pottery", but when Christ takes up residence in our hearts and lives, through His saving grace, we are made new, made into Kintsukuroi! His gold fills us up, He is strength in our weakness, He makes us into a beautiful masterpiece for Him through our brokenness and need!  He is glorified when the world can see that "this all surpassing power is from God and not from us"- 2 Corinthians 4:7.  What a humbling honor that He chose to put His light in this broken pottery!

And because the image of this pottery is the story of my life, of God's saving work in me, it is the theme of my new blog, "His beauty in my broken".  The golden rivers of His love in my life have me so humbly grateful every single day, and it's my hope that as I share my stories, my insights and struggles, you would see His beauty in my broken.  Welcome!

All for Him!

My Stained Recliner

Whoever invented micro fiber furniture, boasting its stain resistance, obviously didn’t do any thorough research with a family of small children.  Let’s just say, our rocking recliner is now more of a magnet for messes than it is a repellent of them. But to be fair, we’ve probably allowed far too many snacks to be eaten in it, so I digress.  While I often cringe when I think of all I’ve cleaned off of this recliner, including multiple types of bodily excretions, this worn out, stain ridden chair has some lessons for me.

This past week, my youngest came down with a tummy bug.  She’s already a bit on the needy/snuggly side as it is, so when she’s sick, all she wants is to be in our arms.  And when she looks to me with the droopy eyes of fever, asking me to hold her, of course I swoop her up.  I’m happy to report that she’s feeling all better now, but my lower back is still feeling all the holding of the past few days.  And that’s where the stained recliner comes in.  As I was sitting there, rocking my sweet girl, trying to take the edge off her misery with my love, I couldn’t help but look around at all the messes that were not being tidied, going down the mental check list of all the tasks that needed doing that I just couldn’t do.  And then the whisper came, that this chair, this rocking, this girl is the  best task I can be accomplishing in any given day.  Certainly, there is a time and place for cleaning and creating a place of peace for our families, working together on those tasks.  But sometimes the greatest way we can create peace for the souls we love in our homes is to just sit still.  When Autumn was sick, when she needed me to just sit and comfort and stroke her forehead, something I do in snipets all the time, it made me think about how much my kids would love it if I did this more.  And this compulsion to keep working and doing and accomplishing, I’m learning something about my heart in it.  I think, if I’m really honest, I’m often doing those things to impress others, not with the simple motive of blessing my family.  Thoughts riddled with insecurity, equating my worth with the job I’m doing as the cleaner/organizer of our home, creep into my mind throughout the day.  But what if molding and filling hearts is more important than laundry and crumbs and papers in disarray?  What if cleanliness is really not next to Godliness as the saying goes?  I think my times of just sitting with my children, who long for those special times with me, reminds me that seasons are short, and children are little only for awhile.  But how do we really live for an audience of one?  How do we stop, in self-focus, always worrying about what others think of us?

I don’t doubt that we will always struggle with this in a world that likes to keep us busy, that tells us that moving and doing is the only work worth doing.  But we find some great encouragement straight from God in His Word that fights the world’s prescription.  Let us not forget that when we are still, to just be with and focus on the ones we love, we are following the example of our God, who longs for us to crawl up in His lap, to hear His Words, and to just be.  I’ll leave you with these verses that encourage my heart to enjoy moments of Sabbath in my days.

Luke 10:38-42 “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”   “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

This passage always reminds me that none of the other work I have on my to do list is as important as sitting at Jesus’s feet.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

This verse reminds me that just as Jesus is my place of rest, I need to be a place of rest for my children, not the busy, frantic, “just a minute” mom that I can be.

Psalm 46:10 “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

This verse reminds me to rest in God’s sovereignty.  Could it be that my stillness bring Him more glory than my busyness?

Matthew 22:36-40  “Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

And this passage, one we’ve all heard many times, is a good reminder of God’s priority for our time.  Giving Him the best of ourselves, and giving our best to others (children/family/friends).

None of these passages us tell us to be lazy, but rather to rest with purpose.  There are many scriptures that warn against laziness, working is good, don't get me wrong.  I think where we often get it wrong is when we see times of rest and being still as a hindrance to what we see as more important, the doing we have idolized.  Rest serves as a recharging for the work God has given us, it's needed fuel we often neglect.

Meditate with me on these verses today as we ask God how He might be leading us to slow down for the sake of what’s most important.