Dusting off this little space called my blog after nine years! I figure if any reason warrants a return, it’s reflecting on 20 years of marriage. Twenty years… it hardly feels real to say. Twentieth anniversary’s are what old people celebrate right?! But here we are, and the first truth that comes to mind is, you don’t just stumble into 20 years. Oh there’s a lot of stumbling … and tripping and down right face plants on the journey, don’t get me wrong, but what I mean is, being married to the same person for twenty years doesn’t just accidentally happen. Anyone who’s reached this milestone can tell you, it takes intention and growth to get this far, so here are the intentions I’ve noticed for Travis and I that have kept our commitment sure.
The first one is the very word itself, commitment. It’s a word we toss around loosely these days. In a cultural mindset of relativism and the notion of living by your own created truth, a word like commitment loses its weight. But we see it the way God defines it, which is a covenant we made before Him twenty years ago. This covenant took us from being two separate individuals and made us into one and it’s something we’ve always taken very seriously. This doesn’t mean we’ve given up our identities or capabilities as individuals but rather that we’ve gained the strengths of each other, and bolstered each other’s weaknesses so that we have truly become better and more effective in the world together than we would have been by ourselves. Those words are all nice to say, but putting them into practice hasn’t always been easy. There’s not a person who doesn’t have a level of awe and inspiration looking at the slouching, white haired couple who has been married for 70 years. We want to know their secrets, and at year 20, here are a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve gained along the way.
If commitment under a God defined covenant is the foundation, then I would have to say that choosing selflessness is the daily rhythm that keeps us woven together. Notice I said “choosing”, because our natural and broken way is self-centered and selfish. Some days we get it right, and some days we don’t. It takes a conscious choice and the strength God gives to put someone else before yourself, to see things from their perspective and to resist the urge to keep score. We live in a world that has, like no other time before, elevated the self as supreme. We are told to love ourselves, first and foremost, to put ourselves first in everything we do. But if we look around, we see one of the most lonely generations that has ever been. I don’t have to mention how the isolation of technology has compounded the issue, another topic for another day. I remember the early days of marriage, when the exhaustion of raising young children added to the mix. It was so easy for me to pout, and feel slighted when my needs weren’t met by Travis, needs I hadn’t communicated in any sort of mature way but simply expected him to magically know. We both had unspoken expectations of each other, primarily self focused in nature, and were often feeling let down when they were unmet. But something beautiful happens when we can give each other the benefit of the doubt, when we can assume the best intentions from one another and derive actual joy from serving each other instead of constantly waiting to be served. Go first, drop expectations, heap on grace, forgive like breathing in and out, before it’s even asked for, and watch your spouses gratitude create a beautiful back and forth of selfless love.
I could drone on about things like communication and mutual respect, prioritizing date nights and things like that. But under the surface of those things is the notion of intentionally staying connected. This has looked different in different seasons of our lives, but I can say that because of it, I still genuinely enjoy spending time with this man I call husband. As human beings we are ever evolving, changing and growing. We decided a long time ago to continue getting to know and appreciate the latest version of each other. Sarah 20.0 is a little different than Sarah 1.0. And despite the changes, or maybe in light of them, we aim to dream together about where we’re headed, to find common ground on the things we’re interested in or passionate about, what we want for our lives and where we believe God is leading us. We get to have our own individual interests and passions, but that only makes the journey more interesting because it gives us a chance to share those things with each other and weave them into the greater “we”.
After twenty years of marriage, four amazing children, living in another country and two states, and the countless adventures and even more simple days along the way, I can say that this life we’ve built together is one of the greatest gifts God has given me. I can only hope our marriage has glorified Him in some small way, that maybe someone has seen His love in the way we love each other. Happy Anniversary Travis! I love you forever!
