20 Years!

Dusting off this little space called my blog after nine years! I figure if any reason warrants a return, it’s reflecting on 20 years of marriage. Twenty years… it hardly feels real to say. Twentieth anniversary’s are what old people celebrate right?! But here we are, and the first truth that comes to mind is, you don’t just stumble into 20 years. Oh there’s a lot of stumbling … and tripping and down right face plants on the journey, don’t get me wrong, but what I mean is, being married to the same person for twenty years doesn’t just accidentally happen. Anyone who’s reached this milestone can tell you, it takes intention and growth to get this far, so here are the intentions I’ve noticed for Travis and I that have kept our commitment sure.

The first one is the very word itself, commitment. It’s a word we toss around loosely these days. In a cultural mindset of relativism and the notion of living by your own created truth, a word like commitment loses its weight. But we see it the way God defines it, which is a covenant we made before Him twenty years ago. This covenant took us from being two separate individuals and made us into one and it’s something we’ve always taken very seriously. This doesn’t mean we’ve given up our identities or capabilities as individuals but rather that we’ve gained the strengths of each other, and bolstered each other’s weaknesses so that we have truly become better and more effective in the world together than we would have been by ourselves. Those words are all nice to say, but putting them into practice hasn’t always been easy. There’s not a person who doesn’t have a level of awe and inspiration looking at the slouching, white haired couple who has been married for 70 years. We want to know their secrets, and at year 20, here are a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve gained along the way.

If commitment under a God defined covenant is the foundation, then I would have to say that choosing selflessness is the daily rhythm that keeps us woven together. Notice I said “choosing”, because our natural and broken way is self-centered and selfish. Some days we get it right, and some days we don’t. It takes a conscious choice and the strength God gives to put someone else before yourself, to see things from their perspective and to resist the urge to keep score. We live in a world that has, like no other time before, elevated the self as supreme. We are told to love ourselves, first and foremost, to put ourselves first in everything we do. But if we look around, we see one of the most lonely generations that has ever been. I don’t have to mention how the isolation of technology has compounded the issue, another topic for another day. I remember the early days of marriage, when the exhaustion of raising young children added to the mix. It was so easy for me to pout, and feel slighted when my needs weren’t met by Travis, needs I hadn’t communicated in any sort of mature way but simply expected him to magically know. We both had unspoken expectations of each other, primarily self focused in nature, and were often feeling let down when they were unmet. But something beautiful happens when we can give each other the benefit of the doubt, when we can assume the best intentions from one another and derive actual joy from serving each other instead of constantly waiting to be served. Go first, drop expectations, heap on grace, forgive like breathing in and out, before it’s even asked for, and watch your spouses gratitude create a beautiful back and forth of selfless love.

I could drone on about things like communication and mutual respect, prioritizing date nights and things like that. But under the surface of those things is the notion of intentionally staying connected. This has looked different in different seasons of our lives, but I can say that because of it, I still genuinely enjoy spending time with this man I call husband. As human beings we are ever evolving, changing and growing. We decided a long time ago to continue getting to know and appreciate the latest version of each other. Sarah 20.0 is a little different than Sarah 1.0. And despite the changes, or maybe in light of them, we aim to dream together about where we’re headed, to find common ground on the things we’re interested in or passionate about, what we want for our lives and where we believe God is leading us. We get to have our own individual interests and passions, but that only makes the journey more interesting because it gives us a chance to share those things with each other and weave them into the greater “we”. 

After twenty years of marriage, four amazing children, living in another country and two states, and the countless adventures and even more simple days along the way, I can say that this life we’ve built together is one of the greatest gifts God has given me. I can only hope our marriage has glorified Him in some small way, that maybe someone has seen His love in the way we love each other. Happy Anniversary Travis! I love you forever!

Autumn is 3!

There is a unique ache when your baby, your youngest, has birthdays.  While we celebrate our little sweetie's three years of blessed life, we also grieve a little bit for the end of a stage.  The baby stage? Gone and now the toddler stage is fading into memory.  She's a little girl now, full of spunk and personality.  Autumn Mae, you hold a special spot in our family.  You will always be OUR baby, meaning not just mine and daddy's, but Emma's and Chloe's and Sawyer's too.  Emma says all the time, "I'm so glad I have Autumn for my sister, it's so fun to be older with a baby sister".  Chloe carries you around and entertains you with make believe every waking hour you're together.  You like to play that you're the princess and she's your maid or your dog... and those roles aren't too far from the truth little Noot!  Sawyer has a precious affection for you, a protective love that melts my heart to see.  The other day, you were throwing a fit because you didn't want to walk up the stairs by the grocery store.  I was holding two heavy bags of groceries and you were having a lazy moment.  Your brother came to your rescue by insisting that you needed help and he would hold your hand.  You beamed as he helped you up and then you continued to hold hands all the way to the bus stop.  Sawyer doesn't kiss many of us regularly, he's a bit afraid of germs, but he can't kiss your head enough:).  You had your third birthday in the Swiss Alps, lucky girl!  You may not remember much of our time here, but we are having so much fun exploring this beautiful country together.  You are the sunshine (and a bit of patience testing) to my days.  I think God knew how much your affectionate love language would minister to my heart, we share that love language sweet girl!  You hug my neck with passion and say, "I love you so much my sweetie mom!"  Or "you smell so cute my sweetie mom!"  My heart really breaks for those who never in this life time get to know the joy of the love between mother and child, it is truly a gift.  To my sweet little last arrow (with pink feathers and a wiggly dance), I thank God for the blessing of you!  Happy birthday Mootie!

 (This is what we call the "feed the children" shot, LOL!)

(Does this not look a lot like me at this age, to anyone who knew me then?)

Journal- the ups and downs

Nearly two months, yes you heard right.  We can officially say we're not in vacation mode any more.  I think unknowingly, it started out feeling that way.  So many new things, the kids feeling the same way. But now it's becoming clear that we live here.  Autumn said to me the other day, "I miss our old house, I want to fly on a airplane and go home".  She says what she really feels and thinks, and I think it really captures what we all feel from time to time as we experience the natural pangs of homesickness.  I think it doesn't help that we're in the dead of winter still, feeling a bit cooped up, and that germs have attacked our family in full force.  I have been coughing from what seems like the minute we got here, one cold after another and I'm getting pretty weary of it.  On the positive side, perhaps full wellness and the first signs of spring will coincide for a fresh dose of joy.  I noticed tonight as we were walking back from dinner that it was still a bit light!  The days are getting longer and before we know it the cows will come back to the mountains and we'll hear bells all day long:).  The kids first school vacation break is coming up next week as well and we have some fun trips planned, just what the doctor ordered I think.  I need to get better about uploading pictures to my computer from my phone.  When I'm out and about, capturing stunning views as they happen, I usually don't have my big camera with me.  I'll try to get caught up with pictures on here soon since I know many of you don't do Facebook.  Autumn turns three this Saturday, we'll be having a little party for her that she absolutely can't wait for!  I need to take her out one of these days soon to take some three year pictures.  We are certainly well stocked with great locations for pictures here.  Say a little prayer for us friends, whenever you think of it, for wellness and lifted spirits, as we adjust to and embrace our new life here.  We are counting our blessings daily and enjoying the little things, but also allowing ourselves to be real and feel the full effect of this huge move.  God is present in both, and His goodness never waivers despite our waivering.  One of the things I'm most thankful for these days is how He's been drawing me to His Word and presence.  He has blessed us with a wonderful church body/family who has been such an encouragement to us!

What's New? - Three Weeks

I reminded myself, well before this big move, that while many changes were ahead of us, certain things would be the same no matter our postal code.  I didn't want to fall victim to the dashing of false romantic ideals trap after all.  Like laundry... ugh!  You mean there aren't laundry fairies in Switzerland who swoop in while I'm sleeping and magically wash, dry, fold and put away the dirty clothes of six people, you ask? No such luck.  And what, after uprooting your children from everything they've known while simultaneously being sucked into a vortex of moving preparations, your kids aren't behaving like little angels? Um...no.  Need I go on?  You get the drift, life is going on, as it would anywhere, and we struggle uniquely, as we always have.  But enough of that, back to the title of my post.

So what's new, you ask? A lot actually, so here you have it.  My muscles are new, yes painfully so, but all for the good.  Every day, we are walking... a LOT, up and down hills a lot, and we're getting in good shape for it.  I'm fairly certain I'm at least nearly back to my college wall-sit level... or I'd like to think so.  Our daily routine is new, walking kids to and from the bus stop, up and down the hill to and from the cafeteria for lunch and dinner, learning the city bus schedule to plan shopping outings, translating papers from school from French to English, all of it new.  And I can't fail to mention the new beauties to behold, oh how beautiful these mountains and valleys are!  God had a lot of fun creating this part of the world, I doubt these sweeping mountain views speckled with chalets can ever get old.  Then there is the silence and and clarity of the stars on these winter nights, it brings back childhood memories of stargazing with my dad on our roof in the country.

New foods, a new language, new cultural ways of doing things, we are still very much babies in this adjustment.  But in just over three weeks here, I can still say that I'm excited to be on this adventure.  My favorite "new" of this whole experience are the new people we are meeting and getting to know.  After sitting around a circle of six women in the living room of our new pastor's wife's home tonight, studying God's Word together, I realized that amidst all of the new (people, places, things, experiences), there is this beautiful sameness that comes from our unchanging God.  His love and presence pursue us to the ends of the earth, and His adoption of those who believe makes us instantly family with one another.

It's been a good three weeks, a crazy, amazing, sometimes hard, sometimes blissful, three weeks.  And on we trek to the month marker, it feels surreal at times.  Pray for us friends!  That we would embrace the changes with grace and good attitudes while clinging to the beautiful constant of His love and leadership in our lives.  My eyelids are heavy, so time to sign off before I stop making sense.  More pictures soon I promise, and check out my new blog design!  Thank you Jenn!

Week One

How one week feels like a lifetime I'm not sure I understand, but this past week has felt just that way.  Last Monday, we were saying our goodbyes to our house of eight years and loved ones we'll miss and getting ready to embark on the unknowns of a new life in Switzerland.  The memories of that day are burned into my mind with crystal clarity.  Pulling our suitecases out of my in-laws garage and lining them up in the driveway, the sight of the big shuttle coming down the street to pick us up, praying with dear family and friends just before stepping onto the shuttle, the look of their hands waving at us as we pulled away.  The list goes on, sights, sounds, feelings, all marking what was the culmination of much planning and dreaming finally come to fruition.  Some of our traveling moments were laughable (and not so laughable).  After a 2.5 hour delay on our first flight, we found ourselves, in true home alone fashion, racing through LAX trying to make our next flight.  Dripping in sweat and carrying all the kids bags so they could run and the insanely slow security line had us convinced we just might not make the flight.  Then hearing our names on the airport speakers warning us of our last call only to turn the corner into claps from the airline staff as we just barely made it, what drama!  What a sight we must have been collapsing in a sweaty heap in our seats!  But we made it, and for that I am so thankful.  Over all, the kids did great on the flights.  Autumn had one fussy, "I can't sleep I'm uncomfortable" moment on the long flight and Emma got motion sick from the end of the long flight until we got to our apartment, poor girl, but other than that, they were troopers:).  But lest you think the drama was over at the nearly missed flight, once we arrived in Geneva, we watched our flight's carousel completely empty without one of our bags appearing.  You guessed it, our luggage was delayed.  After two days of washing ourselves with a tiny bottle of facial cleanser and wearing the same outfit for three days, our luggage arriving was such a sweat gift!
     We've enjoyed long (and sometimes difficult) walks around the village this week .  Four walking trips  to the grocery store already and feel we are already getting the hang of where to find things and what most things are there.  We've met some wonderful people already and been thrown two social get-togethers in just one week, we're so spoiled and blessed!  Our apartment is great, newly remodeled and spacious with lovely tall windows and ceilings to take in our breathtaking view of the Alps.  There have been many, "somebody pinch me!" moments this week... and maybe that's what makes it seem like it's been forever.  It might also be the adjustment to the time difference, after all we've traveled forward in time eight hours!
   And just one short week after we left our Colorado home, the kids had their first day at the village, french speaking, primary school!  They had a good day today, no tears and even new friends made.  I think Emma will pick up the French really easily and I'm praying the other kids do too.  We do not take for granted what an amazing opportunity this is for them to be immersed in French:).  We're hoping they'll teach us as they go! I could write more and more, but my eyelids are fading me.  Until next time, I'll leave you with some fun pictures from today, our first day school in Leysin!

Last Night in Our House

Burning images into my memory tonight, of this little house that has been our home for the past 7 years.  This marks our last night in a house that is the only home our children have really ever known.  We moved here when Emma was only two and Chloe was just five months old.  It's hard not to feel that the place itself is somehow sacred and to feel a bit of grief at leaving.  But as my heart has been pondering it, I realize that a house of wood and drywall, of all the materials that give it it's form, is merely a backdrop for the home created within the four walls.  Don't get me wrong, it's a backdrop I'm truly thankful for in a world where owning a home is a tremendous privilege.  But I guess what I'm saying is, when we leave our house tomorrow, our home is coming with us.  It will find it's place in a new location half way around the world, it won't stay here.  So while I'll miss the cozy backdrop that we'll only hold in pictures now, I can celebrate this new season fully confident that the people I love will continue to define our home, not the walls and roof that hold us.  I took pictures of each of the kids tonight in their rooms, one last shot of the places that have sheltered my sweeties during these precious childhood years.  Pictures really are worth a thousand words, words I will treasure in my heart with gratitude. Goodbye little house on B Lane!  You have been a beautiful backdrop, a warm and dry one too, for which we are so grateful.  If we never live inside your walls again, it will be okay, because God is writing our story and each chapter has it's beauty and purpose.

Change is like a River

Whether we see it this way or not, change is always happening, to us, around us, in us, through us, it is the way we were made, to progress (even if progression sometimes equals regression).  I remember reading a blog post once describing the constantness of change as a flowing river.  Try as we may to fix our eyes on one point and make it last, the river, just like time and change, waits for no one.  It marches on, pushing us towards the eternity we were made for.  As mothers we often say clique things like, "I wish they'd stop growing up" when we talk about our children growing older, or "why can't they slow down!"  But really, why are we fighting God's design, this moving forward that has always been since the dawn of creation?
As I look ahead to what seems like huge change in our lives, moving to another country, leaving the home we've raised our children in to this point, a town we love, friends and family we cherish, the temptation is to let deep sadness settle in, to fear what we don't know. What if what's to come isn't as great as what is?  What if deep and scaring trial awaits? But by what standards am I measuring greatness and isn't it fire that refines the purest gold?  It's a knee knocking thing, this not knowing, this holding on to the robe tails of Jesus and His promises with trembling faith.  But I am reminded again and again that it is here, on the verge of change that He longs to swoop us up into His unchanging strength and power and sovereignty. He is the author and perfecter of our faith after all, working all things together for the good of those who Love Him and have been called according to His purposes. It's gotta be in these places of not knowing that He draws us to deeper dependence on Him, where He reveals more of His ability in the midst of our inability.  Boy is that happening and boy am I humbled! As I pack and repack suitecases and watch the rooms grow emptier and emptier I can't help but lift my eyes to the One who promises to be my real home no matter what the inevitable changes of this life bring.  He is my True North, the place I can fix my eyes on that will never waiver.  And these faith jumps, I am not jumping alone, I am so thankful for that!  By His amazing grace, He has called me out of darkness into the light of His matchless love, a love that indwells me and never leaves even when I ignore it, and it's right here, in the soup of my weakness that He reveals His strength, making it clear that anything good in me is from Him.  And that's enough, He is enough, to carry me through the changes of this life, discovering His purposes for me even in the hardest things.  Fight the change?  No.  Because change will always win, even when I think I've protected myself from it.  Moment to moment, I have to choose to surrender fears, choose to abide in His presence and receive the fruit of peace that follow. See you soon beautiful Switzerland!  My life vest is secure, jumping in the river now!

Switzerland- Chapter 1

As you can see, I've consolidated my blogs to this one.  I'm excited about the new name, it really sums up what I want this space to be about!  I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus, which I'm sure you've noticed.  It certainly hasn't been for lack of things to write about, but rather for lack of time and energy at the end of the day.  But I sense the beginning of a new season of more frequent writing as our family starts a new adventure!  For any who haven't heard, we are moving to Switzerland at the end of the year!  It's been a dream in the making for many years now, to live abroad as a family, but to see it actually happening now is hardly believable!  Travis will be software engineering at a boarding school in a small mountain town in the French speaking part of the Swiss Alps.  He came across the job posting in a software engineering magazine he regularly reads and went for it.  It wasn't an easy decision, to accept the job, even though it was the culmination of dreams, because the reality past the romance needed to be sorted through.  We decided to take a trip to Switzerland at the end of October to see it first hand and do some good praying/talking over the decision.  We left with a definite yes, and though it was with a great sense of relief and excitement, we came back home to the overwhelming task of actually moving our family of six to a country across the ocean and breaking the news to precious family and friends whom we knew would take it hard.  Thankfully, everyone has done some initial grieving and is now getting excited for us, which feels really good.  We just completed our last garage sale of two, which gives us a big sense of relief to have so much gone.  We've been slowly filling a storage unit and packing the suite cases we'll be bringing.  It's our goal to get everything move ready before Christmas, and so far we're doing well towards that end.  We've had so many friends rally to help us during this stressful time, meals, play dates for the kids, buying our stuff, you name it!  What a blessing it is to be loved by family and friends who have become family.  It's funny, even after our decision to take the job, Travis was still feeling some anxiety about whether we made the right decision.  Just before the offer came to us, he had just accepted a really good job at a new company an hour away from us.  It was a big pay increase which complicated the matter in our hearts because the Switzerland job is actually a pay decrease.  All the while, we knew this process was revealing where our treasure lies and pushing us to steps of faith we were trembling to make.  But I just love how God shows up with confirmation, AFTER a big step of faith. As my dear cousin Sara told me in a text while we were in Switzerland, if we always got a burning bush to guide our decisions, there wouldn't be the need for faith.  How true that is!  It was only after our decision was made that we got to meet another family who had taken the other IT position (there were two positions).  As it turns out, they also have four children, three girls and a boy!  And it doesn't stop there, though in a different order than ours, their kids are the same ages as all of ours AND they are our brothers and sisters in Christ!  We will be living in the same apartment building and our kids will be starting at the village school together.  Such undeserved icing on the cake!  And we've had so much fun getting to know them through Skype and facebook.  To think that God was writing this story on both of our lives, to intersect the way they will, before we ever met just floors us with gratitude and praise!  So as the winds grow colder and snow starts to fly, when many go into hybernation mode, we are embarking on the biggest adventure of our lives to date!  Pray for us if you will, that all would go smoothly, especially on December 30th when our journey begins and we cart 9 suite cases and our precious kiddos to the airport (Lord have mercy!).  Pray for our visas to come through in a timely manner and all items of business to get wrapped up neatly.  Pray for peace for us and all those we love as we say our good byes, that God would grant special comfort to our families as we adjust to less frequent hugs (although thank goodness for Skype!).  We will keep you thoroughly posted along the way, and as always, we love to stay caught up with your lives as well.
Au revoir!  And if you ever find yourselves in Switzerland, we hope to say Bonjour!  I'll leave you with what will be our gorgeous living room view in the Alps.

Chloe is 7!

For just under seven years, we've lived in this house and for seven years, my lion-spirited, big hearted, beautiful Chloe Paige has been in my life!  Chloe, I know there may be times in your life when you feel lost in the shuffle as a middle child, but know this sweet girl, there is nothing lost or second rate in my love for you!  You have blossomed so much in the past year, from a timid kindergarten graduate to a confident, outgoing almost second grader!  The way you question the world around you hasn't changed, but your questions are getting more interesting and I love trying to answer them.  Your love for make believe is still going strong, which makes us so happy!  The longer you can hang on to that joy, sweetie, the better!  You've made quite a reputation for yourself around the neighborhood this year, as the resident big sister.  Cece, Maddie, and Isla look up to you and wish you really were their big sister.  The way you play with and care for them has your mama beaming with pride!  But the little girl who adores you the most is your own baby sister, Autumn.  She follows you around all day asking to play baby with you (she being the baby, you the mama), and most of the time you are so obliging and patient with her.  You are so helpful to me just by being you, you're such a treasure!  Something I've learned about your personality this year is that you have a gift beyond your years for compassion towards others, especially those you love.  At the end of a long day, you often insist on giving me a foot rub with lotion and bringing me water saying, "you worked so hard today mommy, you need to rest".  Or sometimes you just sense that someone is sad and it makes you sad too.  You are so quick to feel and say sorry when you're wrong, but you don't just stop there, you want to make amends by doing something for the person.  You give the best hugs and kisses Snooie!  It's like I can feel your soul through them!  Happy birthday baby girl!  I thank God every day for letting broken me love you and lead you in this life.  Every year with you is a gift I treasure beyond words! xoxo  Mommy

And Every Boy Grows Up

I just had to write about how cute you were today Sawyer Michael!  We went to Walmart to get a few things and since preschool starts in a couple weeks, I let you pick out your backpack.  You were so excited about it, so proud of the one you picked, and when we got home, for the rest of the day you were wearing it and asking if you could pack it for school.  I had to keep reminding you that we still needed to buy your school supplies and that we have time.  You kept asking, "will it be when we wake up?"  To which I had to keep telling you it would be a lot of "wake ups", 16 to be exact, until your first day of school.  Emma read you your school supply list and when she got to the part about a spare outfit in a ziplock bag, the light went on that you could pack that today and so you raced to your room!  We labeled your ziplock bag with your name and carefully placed your folded undies, socks, shirt and pants inside.  You then put your backpack on the hook in your room and stared at for awhile, just happy you got to put something inside of it for school.  As the day went on, you asked if we could play school.  You wanted me to first be your mom and yell, "Sawyer, it's time to get ready for school!" so you could come out of your room with your backpack.  We did this and you came out beaming.  Oh sweet son of mine, if you only knew how much I enjoy your excitement about this new adventure you're about to go on.  You won't always be so excited about school work as the years go by, but it's my earnest hope that your excitement for learning will only continue to grow.  It's only natural that you want to get bigger, to do new things, to move forward.  But as your mother, I want to thoroughly savor these precious times when you're four.  Some day, you'll leave home and marry a wonderful girl, have a career, a life of your own, just as it should be.  But right now, your life is with me, pretty much constantly, and I'm loving it!  You are a gift, sweet boy, in more ways than you'll ever know!  So as you take this baby step in two weeks towards the growing up that every boy must do, know that in your mamas heart, you will always be this boy!  I love you!

Emma is 9!

Happy birthday Emma Grace!  I refuse to believe you are half way to 18, I just don't even want to think about it.  The last birthday in the single digits!  There I go, doing it again, wishing I could slow time down.  But it marches on for all of us, it's supposed to, so instead of being sad about the time passed, I will be thankful for the years given.  Sweet peanut, you've had a great year, complete with growing pains in your legs and lost teeth that have given you that wonderful, preteen snaggled grin:).  I'm so thankful for our relationship baby, you are so sweet to me!  You tell me all the time how much you love me and you continue to prove that your love language is quality time.  Your favorite mommy/daughter date is a trip to Mahalo to get frozen yogurt.  I love our bedtime chats these days, sharing our hearts with each other, hearing your burning questions.  You continue to love all things fashion and friends and your beauty continues to grow from the inside out.  You continue to be a wonderful artist and have gotten quite good at sewing as well.  It's so fun to see you creating and doing things you love. You are uniquely made and gifted and it gives me such joy to wear the title of "mom" to you. So baby girl, little beauty who made me a mama, here's to another year of loving you and a prayer that Jesus would woo you more and more to himself.  xoxo Mommy

Summertime

I had some great plans before summer break started, plans for a morning schedule, a special activity each day, like the park or library or pool.  And those plans have been great, most days really helping us be more purposeful with our time.  I'd even say it has prevented fighting... some of it.  But today, as the kids were squealing through the house with a couple of their friends, jumping from one "game" to the next, without a thought to the time, the memories came flooding back.  I remember when a day seemed like a week, when my friends and I would be deep in make believe, maybe a boat out of TV trays, Little House on the Prairie, lost orphans, and the afternoon truly felt like an eternity in a good way.  The only adult thing I can compare it to is getting lost in a good book, becoming part of the story in your mind and not wanting to leave.  This is the stuff of childhood, this is the beauty of summertime!  I'm not sure when the clock starts to hound us and imagination gives way to responsibility, but I love getting to go back in time as I watch my kids be kids.  Childhood is a precious and fleeting gift, sweet babes, I hope I'm creating a home where you are making the great memories I have of my own childhood.

Autumn is 2!

A two year old is a toddler right?  Well even if so, Autumn is NOT, she is a baby, MY baby, and she always will be.  Oh sweet darling, you are such a gift to us!  I think at least one of us says daily how sad life would be without our "Nootie".  Your affection, your smile, your laugh, your humor, your dancing, your dresses, the way you love to be held, the way you think you can do everything your siblings do and are so indignant when you can't.  Autumn Mae, we are so thankful God gave you to us!  These two years with you have been such a present, truly, what in the world would we do without your sunshine in our lives?!  Happy birthday my baby fashionista!  We can't wait to watch you grow and for our love for you to grow more and more every day!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Emma, Chloe, and Sawyer
xoxo

Tears to Praise

I sure wish I could blame it on hormones every time I cry, but that wouldn't be true.  Sometimes my heart breaks, usually because of some kind of actual or perceived loss, some more compelling than others.  This time, the thing I lost was my own way.  Sounding pretty two years old?  Yep, pretty much.  It's so easy to trust God when things seem to be going our way, when the answer to prayer is "yes".  But what about when the answer is no, or not yet, or I'm not telling you yet?  I've discovered that those answers often send me into two year old mode, and I'm not too proud of that, but I'm so glad I have God's grace in these moments.  My eyes were pretty puffy today after my love and I didn't see eye to eye on a big decision we've been considering last night.  I really thought I was holding this decision with an open hand, really trusting God to lead us through my husband... but then he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear, and it hurt... pretty bad.  I'm still hurting, and the deciding isn't finished yet, but as I was crying out to God in the wee hours this morning unable to sleep, and throughout the day, He started answering my heart's cry.  Not in the way I was hoping, in a much better way, I LOVE when He does that!  He whispered the truth, that I wasn't believing that His ways are higher than my ways, that He works all things together for good for those who love Him, that He is ALWAYS faithful to lead us when we seek Him.  I had a plan, and surely it was God's plan right?  I mean, I had been praying about this, not hearing a no, feeling growing confirmation of my desire for this decision, so why are things not going my way?  Then more truth whispered, "marriage".  This thing of God's design, this picture of Christ and the church, Christ loving and laying down His life for the church, the church loving, honoring and submitting its will to Christ.  The world has trouble with the word "submit", it defines it in terms of the lesser submitting to the greater.  But in the terms of marriage, this is never what God meant.  It is a dance, two equal partners, one leading, one following, functioning in different roles for the purpose of glorifying the dance maker.  By design, as wives, we have the honor of taking the important role of help met, of honoring God by honoring our husbands.  This is not a lesser role, some would say a greater.  Humility and serving, these are the things Christ encouraged His disciples in, these are the marks of closeness to God.  To say no to ourselves and yes to our spouse, this shows the world the greatest kind of love, a love that truly trusts the dance maker and longs to glorify Him.  And this, friends, this turns my tears to praise! I CAN trust God enough to trust my husband.  I CAN move towards him instead of away in bitterness when things don't go my way, because I know God knows my needs and cares for them, like he cares for the flowers in the field, and my man loves me the best he can and lays his life down for me and our family every day.  He has a big burden to bear, and both of us floundering in our imperfection and sin, I am so thankful that He sticks with me and sees the best in me, even in my two year old fits.  And I have daily choices to make, to stand by my man, encouraging him, sharing my insight, seeing the best in him or to pull away and pull him down.  Father, fill me with your love, that I may love better.  Draw my eyes and my heart to you, that I may have the courage to trust you when I can't see the how and why of your leading.

Grasping for Contentment

Why does contentment often feel like trying to hold water in my hands?  The muscles in my fingers weaken and drops start to sneak out.  And then there are the times when I throw the whole bunch down in frustration.  A moment passes, maybe a day or a week, and then I reach into the bucket of His Word and prayer and get a new handful, begging Him to be the strength my muscles need to keep holding that water.  I've noticed something about this struggle, this casting out and scooping back up.  When my eyes are up, the muscles hold, when my eyes are on the world, on my circumstances, on the temporary, that's when the drops start falling.  So why can't I just keep  my eyes up?  What pulls them down?  Oh promises of the world, you render me weak!  Why is it so hard to believe the truth that this life is but a breath, that experiences and things and accomplishments by the world's standards mean nothing?  The "Screwtape Letters" post daily, the ways in which the evil one would drag my heart away from what is true and good and meaningful.  The lies on the tip of the serpents tongue hissing that my life is about me when deep in my heart I know the beautiful truth that it's ALL about and by and for Him!  Oh precious Words from the Maker of all, fill my heart and mind and memory!  Fight for me Daddy, hold up my hands, push my fingers together, for I am weak...

A Fresh Start

Deep breath and sigh... A beginning... this is my new blog!  Why a new blog you might ask?  Well, because I wanted a separate space for thinking/growing posts. I want, so very much, to write more and this blog is just the inspiration I need.  The title, Kintsukuroi, what in the world right?!  Well too be completely honest, I don't quite know the proper pronunciation of the word myself, but I'm bound and determined to find out, so stay tuned.  It's what the word means that had me at "hello".

Kintsukuroi-  “to repair with gold”; the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

I came across this art form on Facebook.  Someone posted a picture of this pottery and I was taken by the way it so accurately represents who we are in Christ.  We are broken, weak, sinful, common "pottery", but when Christ takes up residence in our hearts and lives, through His saving grace, we are made new, made into Kintsukuroi! His gold fills us up, He is strength in our weakness, He makes us into a beautiful masterpiece for Him through our brokenness and need!  He is glorified when the world can see that "this all surpassing power is from God and not from us"- 2 Corinthians 4:7.  What a humbling honor that He chose to put His light in this broken pottery!

And because the image of this pottery is the story of my life, of God's saving work in me, it is the theme of my new blog, "His beauty in my broken".  The golden rivers of His love in my life have me so humbly grateful every single day, and it's my hope that as I share my stories, my insights and struggles, you would see His beauty in my broken.  Welcome!

All for Him!

My Stained Recliner

Whoever invented micro fiber furniture, boasting its stain resistance, obviously didn’t do any thorough research with a family of small children.  Let’s just say, our rocking recliner is now more of a magnet for messes than it is a repellent of them. But to be fair, we’ve probably allowed far too many snacks to be eaten in it, so I digress.  While I often cringe when I think of all I’ve cleaned off of this recliner, including multiple types of bodily excretions, this worn out, stain ridden chair has some lessons for me.

This past week, my youngest came down with a tummy bug.  She’s already a bit on the needy/snuggly side as it is, so when she’s sick, all she wants is to be in our arms.  And when she looks to me with the droopy eyes of fever, asking me to hold her, of course I swoop her up.  I’m happy to report that she’s feeling all better now, but my lower back is still feeling all the holding of the past few days.  And that’s where the stained recliner comes in.  As I was sitting there, rocking my sweet girl, trying to take the edge off her misery with my love, I couldn’t help but look around at all the messes that were not being tidied, going down the mental check list of all the tasks that needed doing that I just couldn’t do.  And then the whisper came, that this chair, this rocking, this girl is the  best task I can be accomplishing in any given day.  Certainly, there is a time and place for cleaning and creating a place of peace for our families, working together on those tasks.  But sometimes the greatest way we can create peace for the souls we love in our homes is to just sit still.  When Autumn was sick, when she needed me to just sit and comfort and stroke her forehead, something I do in snipets all the time, it made me think about how much my kids would love it if I did this more.  And this compulsion to keep working and doing and accomplishing, I’m learning something about my heart in it.  I think, if I’m really honest, I’m often doing those things to impress others, not with the simple motive of blessing my family.  Thoughts riddled with insecurity, equating my worth with the job I’m doing as the cleaner/organizer of our home, creep into my mind throughout the day.  But what if molding and filling hearts is more important than laundry and crumbs and papers in disarray?  What if cleanliness is really not next to Godliness as the saying goes?  I think my times of just sitting with my children, who long for those special times with me, reminds me that seasons are short, and children are little only for awhile.  But how do we really live for an audience of one?  How do we stop, in self-focus, always worrying about what others think of us?

I don’t doubt that we will always struggle with this in a world that likes to keep us busy, that tells us that moving and doing is the only work worth doing.  But we find some great encouragement straight from God in His Word that fights the world’s prescription.  Let us not forget that when we are still, to just be with and focus on the ones we love, we are following the example of our God, who longs for us to crawl up in His lap, to hear His Words, and to just be.  I’ll leave you with these verses that encourage my heart to enjoy moments of Sabbath in my days.

Luke 10:38-42 “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”   “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

This passage always reminds me that none of the other work I have on my to do list is as important as sitting at Jesus’s feet.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

This verse reminds me that just as Jesus is my place of rest, I need to be a place of rest for my children, not the busy, frantic, “just a minute” mom that I can be.

Psalm 46:10 “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

This verse reminds me to rest in God’s sovereignty.  Could it be that my stillness bring Him more glory than my busyness?

Matthew 22:36-40  “Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

And this passage, one we’ve all heard many times, is a good reminder of God’s priority for our time.  Giving Him the best of ourselves, and giving our best to others (children/family/friends).

None of these passages us tell us to be lazy, but rather to rest with purpose.  There are many scriptures that warn against laziness, working is good, don't get me wrong.  I think where we often get it wrong is when we see times of rest and being still as a hindrance to what we see as more important, the doing we have idolized.  Rest serves as a recharging for the work God has given us, it's needed fuel we often neglect.

Meditate with me on these verses today as we ask God how He might be leading us to slow down for the sake of what’s most important.

We Remain Weak

It’s been awhile, I know.  Sometimes living life takes precedence over writing about it, I guess that’s the best way I can think of to explain it.  A season of quiet, but that doesn’t mean my thoughts haven’t been brewing or that God hasn’t been working.  In fact, I think it has been in times of quiet that He speaks the most to my heart. I was able to get away for our church’s annual women’s retreat last weekend and wow did God meet me!  There is something so special about times to slow down and draw near to God and other women, a chance to rest our souls at His feet and fellowship with focus over several days as opposed to the snippets we get in “real life”.  And if there had been no profound message to hear from a speaker, God would have used the mountains and the time away alone to refresh my spirit and speak volumes to my heart… but the message WAS profound, and I just have to share what God spoke to my heart.

Our pastor’s wife shared on a passage from 2 Corinthians, 4:5 – 5:21 to be exact.  I’m going to go ahead and quote the whole passage here to make it easy for youJ.  I encourage you to take a minute and pray right now before you read this, asking God to soften your heart to HIS message to you through the Word…

2 Corinthians 4:5–5:21 (NLT) – “You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.  So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

New Bodies
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.
So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.  So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.

We Are God’s Ambassadors
Because we understand our fearful responsibility to the Lord, we work hard to persuade others. God knows we are sincere, and I hope you know this, too. Are we commending ourselves to you again? No, we are giving you a reason to be proud of us, so you can answer those who brag about having a spectacular ministry rather than having a sincere heart. If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God. And if we are in our right minds, it is for your benefit.  Either way, Christ’s love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life.  He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them.
So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”  For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

This passage has SO much in it.  I won’t regurgitate my whole weekend of notes for you, but I will share the main points God challenged my heart with.  I think many of us have read this passage, or portions of it, multiple times before.  But I love how God reveals new wisdom to us through the same scriptures, time and time again.  His Word never gets old or ineffective, amen?!  It is living and active!  Our speaker titled the weekend, “True Treasure in Common Clay”.  One of my favorite scriptures from this passage is 4:7 (NIV)- “ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”  I have rejoiced in this truth so many times in my life, that I am weak to reveal His strength, that God put His light and power in this weak, cracked pot on purpose so that it would be obvious that it’s HIM who’s doing a mighty work in me, not me being great by putting in enough effort.  But God pulled back a new layer for me last weekend.  Sara (our speaker) said something that the Holy Spirit burned into my heart and I haven’t forgotten it since.  She said, “we REMAIN weak, HE is forever strong”.  At first hearing, I think that statement can make us uncomfortable.  “Wait a minute,” we think, “isn’t He making me stronger, better in this whole sanctification (growing more into His likeness as we move towards heaven) process?”  She gave us these two equations to explain the point:

1. God’s power + my weakness= my power
2. God’s power + my weakness= God’s power

Sara pointed out that many of us see Jesus as an energy drink, which would be the first equation.  “just gotta drink a little more Jesus and I’ll be stronger for my tasks, better, less weak”.  But do you hear the self focus in that statement?  We have this agenda, these areas that we want to be stronger in, and so we’re asking God to fill us up for OUR purposes.  Scripture tells us something different, it’s not about us!  These cracked pots (that’s us who have been redeemed and reconciled to a Holy God ONLY by his grace, which comes through Jesus alone) will stay cracked, will remain weak, so that HIS strength, HIS power can be revealed.  We will not ever arrive in this life, and any growth and increased strength we have will not ever be because we’ve become less weak, it will only be because we’ve drawn nearer to the God who fills us, fixing our eyes on Him, abiding in Him, allowing His light to shine ever brighter through those cracks.

Friends, this was big for me.  Sometimes I find myself so frustrated and confused about why I’m still struggling with certain things, why I’m not seeing the growth I long to see, why I’m still so weak.  Can any of you relate?  But when we ask ourselves why we want to be stronger, I think we have to get really honest about why.  Could it be our reputation with others?  Our desire to do better for those we love in our own effort?  Maybe it’s a desire for proof that we really are new creations?  But here’s the promise, we ARE new creations, “the old has gone, the new has come!”  We have been forgiven, reconciled to God, adopted into His Kingdom, it is finished if we have put our faith in Christ!  And this, not because of anything righteous in us.  God’s power, HIS strength, has been put inside of us for HIS glory and our blessing.  We remain weak because He wants us to depend on Him, He wants the world to see the power of the Gospel , man’s need for Him, in our lives and know the changes they see, the joy in all circumstances, it’s not because we’re extra cool and strong and great, but because HE is.  And when we stumble and struggle and suffer, we cling to Him, fixing our gaze on the only one who can carry us through this life, so that others will see their need too.

What does this mean for us?  Does it mean we stop moving forward, stop putting forth effort? No, because if we did, we’d be ignoring the call to “live” for Him, to “walk” by faith, to “abide” in Him. These are action words. But it’s WHAT we’re living for and WHERE we’re walking (or running) to that we need to look at.

John 15:4-5 says, “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.””
 
This  passage makes it clear that fruit doesn’t come from our effort, but from abiding in Him.  And it’s always evident that, apart from the Vine, a branch can’t produce any fruit. The questions I think we have to ask ourselves are,

1. Where does strength come from?  My efforts to do better or more dependence on Him in my weakness?
2. Whose strength is it?  Does more growth equal less weakness, or do we remain weak by design so His strength can be revealed?
3. For what purpose do I want to be strong, my own agenda or His purposes?
4. Can I really be content, “rejoice” in my weakness, because “His power is made perfect” in my weakness?

Father, thank you, with flat-on-my-face gratitude, for saving me by your amazing love and grace!  There is nothing in me that is worthy of your love, but You gave it anyway, at a price I can’t fathom.  Thank you for putting your glorious light in this cracked pot, this weak clay vessel.  As I remain weak, I cling, ever tighter, to your strength!  I offer my life to you Father, be glorified as you display Your strength in my weakness.  Make me more like you Father, not for me, but for You!  Amen

The "Main Things"

Today at my church’s mom’s group, we had one of our pastors give us a pep talk and boy let me tell you, God had the message on an arrow straight to my heart!  His theme was, focusing on the main things.  As a mother of young ones, sometimes I feel like I’m always a day late and a dollar short in the cleaning, meal preparing, busy work tasks of making a home.  I have been feeling really defeated lately, frustrated at why can’t I get it all done, just sort of grumpy about it all most of the time!  But God had encouragement for me in Pastor C’s message today and it was this, “by whose standards are you living? By what expectations are you measuring your “success” as a homemaker?”  My pastor reminded us that God clearly lays out some priorities for us in scripture and here are the top two: Loving Him, Loving others as ourselves (Husband first, then children, then the family of God, then those who are lost).  Nowhere in this list do we find “Martha Stewart house pristinely clean at all times” or “perfectly fit body outfitted in the latest clothes and hairstyle”.  Those priorities come from our culture, not from Him.  And yet it hit me this morning as I was listening to the message, these are things that most often have me feeling inadequate and defeated.  I tell my children, “just a minute” about 100 times a day as I scurry around to clean a house that never gets fully clean.  It’s like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing!  Pastor C assured us that this doesn’t mean we neglect the tasks of cleaning and taking care of ourselves, what it means is that we don’t push the more important things aside to accomplish them.  He also encouraged us in the way we greet our husbands when they come home.  He asked us if we barrage our men with complaints about how hard the day was and all we didn’t get done and need help with or if we focus on loving and welcoming him home first and simply asking for help instead of playing the poor me card to earn his sympathy.  Ouch!  Boy do I do this more than I’d like to admit.  As I was thinking about it today, it’s like I feel the need to paint a sad story of my day in order to excuse the fact that I didn’t get everything done according to MY list.  When really, Travis knows what I’m facing, he knows that we are in a weary season of our lives and that I can’t be super woman.  But I think what it is is that I WANT to be, so badly!  My own desire to be perfect at everything puts me in a grouchy, complaining, defeated mood and it’s just sin, plain and simple.  When I am focusing on the “main” things, as pastor C put it, those other things will be seen with the right perspective. 

Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

My children won’t remember how clean the house was or wasn’t, but they will remember the time I spend with them, doing things together, laughing, enjoying them, reading the Word together and praying.  But if I’m not careful they will also remember a mama who’s constantly stressing about all she has to accomplish and how she made them feel like they were always in the way of those accomplishments.  So what’s the balance?  Well, here’s a list of what I think homemaking is and isn’t.  I don’t claim to have it all figured out, but these are what ring true at the moment:

1.       Homemaking IScreating a place of refuge and peace for our families, which I think includes a certain level of cleanliness and organization.  Homemaking IS NOT, a perfectly clean and organized home at all times at the expense of lost quality time with the very family we are trying to create a refuge for.

2.       Homemaking ISliving by right priorities with our time and energy, which can mean limiting or eliminating those things that threaten to take the tops spots.  Homemaking IS NOT holding ourselves to impossible standards or comparing ourselves to other moms who are gifted differently.

3.       Homemaking ISfilling up our tanks with time with Jesus and His Word, praying throughout the day for His strength and perspective which will overflow into our families.  Homemaking IS NOT trying to do it on our own strength.  Our standards and priorities never work like His do and we can do nothing well on an empty tank.

4.       Homemaking ISpreparing healthy, tasty food for our families.  Homemaking IS NOT nightly gourmet meals.  Gourmet chefery never makes an appearance on God’s priority list, only on the food network’s.

5.       Homemaking ISrefueling ourselves with retreats of rest and joyful activities (the most important being time with the Lord).  Homemaking IS NOT feeling entitled to selfish pursuits or allowing ourselves to be completely derailed by laziness and selfish hobbies.

6.        Homemaking IS having a plan.  Homemaking IS NOT feeling completely derailed and defeated when daily life doesn’t go according to it.  God’s plans are always better than ours, even when they make us feel uncomfortable.

7.       Homemaking ISincluding the whole family in cleaning and the work that needs to be done, expecting that perfection will not happen, but pride in contributing will.  Homemaking IS NOT feeling like you have to do it all without asking for help.  Everyone can do something , don’t play the poor martyr by doing it all.

8.       Homemaking ISpracticing hospitality.  Homemaking IS NOT needing a clean home before you do it.  Be a Mary and not a Martha.

I would love to hear your additions to this list and what God is teaching you about focusing on the main things.  Sisters, we need each other!  Not the perfect façade we may want others to see, but the real us that knows fancy words and appearances will never get us to the good stuff of true sisterhood.