Tears to Praise

I sure wish I could blame it on hormones every time I cry, but that wouldn't be true.  Sometimes my heart breaks, usually because of some kind of actual or perceived loss, some more compelling than others.  This time, the thing I lost was my own way.  Sounding pretty two years old?  Yep, pretty much.  It's so easy to trust God when things seem to be going our way, when the answer to prayer is "yes".  But what about when the answer is no, or not yet, or I'm not telling you yet?  I've discovered that those answers often send me into two year old mode, and I'm not too proud of that, but I'm so glad I have God's grace in these moments.  My eyes were pretty puffy today after my love and I didn't see eye to eye on a big decision we've been considering last night.  I really thought I was holding this decision with an open hand, really trusting God to lead us through my husband... but then he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear, and it hurt... pretty bad.  I'm still hurting, and the deciding isn't finished yet, but as I was crying out to God in the wee hours this morning unable to sleep, and throughout the day, He started answering my heart's cry.  Not in the way I was hoping, in a much better way, I LOVE when He does that!  He whispered the truth, that I wasn't believing that His ways are higher than my ways, that He works all things together for good for those who love Him, that He is ALWAYS faithful to lead us when we seek Him.  I had a plan, and surely it was God's plan right?  I mean, I had been praying about this, not hearing a no, feeling growing confirmation of my desire for this decision, so why are things not going my way?  Then more truth whispered, "marriage".  This thing of God's design, this picture of Christ and the church, Christ loving and laying down His life for the church, the church loving, honoring and submitting its will to Christ.  The world has trouble with the word "submit", it defines it in terms of the lesser submitting to the greater.  But in the terms of marriage, this is never what God meant.  It is a dance, two equal partners, one leading, one following, functioning in different roles for the purpose of glorifying the dance maker.  By design, as wives, we have the honor of taking the important role of help met, of honoring God by honoring our husbands.  This is not a lesser role, some would say a greater.  Humility and serving, these are the things Christ encouraged His disciples in, these are the marks of closeness to God.  To say no to ourselves and yes to our spouse, this shows the world the greatest kind of love, a love that truly trusts the dance maker and longs to glorify Him.  And this, friends, this turns my tears to praise! I CAN trust God enough to trust my husband.  I CAN move towards him instead of away in bitterness when things don't go my way, because I know God knows my needs and cares for them, like he cares for the flowers in the field, and my man loves me the best he can and lays his life down for me and our family every day.  He has a big burden to bear, and both of us floundering in our imperfection and sin, I am so thankful that He sticks with me and sees the best in me, even in my two year old fits.  And I have daily choices to make, to stand by my man, encouraging him, sharing my insight, seeing the best in him or to pull away and pull him down.  Father, fill me with your love, that I may love better.  Draw my eyes and my heart to you, that I may have the courage to trust you when I can't see the how and why of your leading.